Japan. Me and it.

I’m not a backpacker anymore. I’ve got a suitcase……with wheels bitch!

For some inexplicable reason, Japan always captivates the average ‘Gaijin’ (foreigner) traveller with the obligatory modern vs. ancient culture, hectic vs. tranquil, wacky vs. serious and inherent politeness of the populous, to name but a few.
 I’m not saying it isn’t there, as it obviously is; but your average starry-eyed Japan-ophile goes quite off the rails in a wash of mass hysterical enthusiasm and often even starts believing the music is amazing, manga is fantastic, the food is the best ever and people are so kind and helpful. Maybe they should find the latter to work in the immigration office.

In light of yet another ‘inside look’ into the ‘mystical country of the rising sun’ hosted by one Joanna Lumley, I felt not only compelled to shout at the TV a lot, but decided to scratch together a few of my experiences that I had documented over the years.

Over 13 years you develop a serious love/hate relationship with the place, where those initial contradictions I mentioned, among insurmountable others, gradually spiral into indifference, annoyance and can often culminate into wanting to go ‘Full on Michael Douglas in Falling Down’.
 It takes a life time to understand a fraction of the insanity you experience here, and generally after a fucking large dose of it you eventually come to the conclusion of this: 
However implausible, nonsensical, dumb or downright idiotic, never try to find reason as you will find yourself in a fucking vortex of mind melting anti-logic that ultimately has only has 1 answer, which is……
BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING JAPAN!!!!

I’m not writing a sociology doctorate thesis here, but more a purveyance of my personal experiences, gripes and rants, with a dozen Japan years in the back pocket, which you’ll find hasn’t at all made me a sarcastic,cynical wanker in the least.
…..or a borderline alcoholic sex pest.

How did I end up here again?

I left south London on 26th November 1996 to embark on my first backpacking experience through south east Asia. With backpack, around the world ticket, Lonely Planet guide and a more experienced travelling mate from the gym; to my dismay one of these essential travel items would lose the plot, believe God was conversing them and leave me in Thailand after 2 weeks. Let’s just say it wasn’t the bag, ticket or travel guide.
Getting thoroughly behind on plane schedules I eventually just cancelled all the flights and ended up doing a PADI divemaster course and working on a tiny island on the east coast of Borneo. To this day I still don’t what happened to Jim….from the gym.
From the first trip until 2002 I returned and left the U.K often, jumping on building sites, saving money and looking forward to the next adventure of which there were a few. Between November 1996 and July 2002 where I settled in Osaka, I spent about 3 and a half years total backpacking around 30 countries in central and South America, Asia, Australia, Middle East and a smattering of Europe. These are all major stories within themselves which I recorded daily with a book and pen. YES, A PEN! As this was in the pre-smartphone and iPad days.
Well, maybe that’s another set of blog pages, but as far as this one is concerned, this is how I got to Japan.
Autumn 1999 after spending the summer diving in Egypt and travelling the country, plus Jordan and Israel, I decided to embark on a CELTA (Certificate in English Teaching to Adults) course in south London to prepare myself for a trip to Japan, ultimately with the intention of finding work. Here I met Dean; an English guy from Wakefield originally, with a Japanese Osakan mother. He would move to Osaka a short time later and I would follow but things went slightly awry.
 Long story short – In 2000 I did a 3 month trip around Japan, mostly staying in Tokyo with Japanese clients I’d met working in the Malaysian dive resort in ’97 and visiting Dean down in Osaka. I failed to get a job as I didn’t possess a university degree, came home, then later spent a year backpacking central and south America.

Upon return I found a new working holiday visa scheme had come into effect in 2001 for candidates up to 30 years old. Having just turned 29, I was on my way in April 2002….via Australia to see some stuff I didn’t get a chance too after being deported in ’98, but that’s another story.
 Arriving in Japan in June 2002, I was crashing at Dean’s until I found myself a job. This time I was prepared with a blatantly false resume regarding qualifications.
Well fuck it, I have a 2 year diploma in graphics and illustration. What the fuck has another year of art study for a BA have to do with teaching English?
 Although apparently lacking in academic qualifications to help the Japanese people in their fight against terrible English, I soon found certain other skills would lend a hand, literally, in dealing with Japanese insanity.
 Primarily – First Aid, read ‘Suicide Watch – literally’ to continue.
Thanks.